I don't mean "selfish" as in "seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others (Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary), I mean "selfish" as in Stevenson's, "Selfishness is calm, a force of nature: you might say the trees are selfish."
Now that I'm 54 years old, I realize that there are certain things in life that follow certain patterns. One pattern that particularly puzzles me is when a woman seems unable to make decisions about her life based solely on what she wants for herself. She just can't seem to "get selfish." Although I've been victim to this type of thinking in the past, experience has taught me that no one makes me happy, sad, confused, mad, downhearted or ashamed without my permission. How I view myself and my ability to make sound decisions for my life is directly connected to how I involve the feelings of those around me in the decision-making process. My good friend's mother used to say, "No one uses you as a doormat unless you lie down first." Sometimes it's best for me to "get selfish."
For example, when I was young the happiest times of my life were when I was riding my horse. Horses give me a sense of freedom. Horses didn't make fun of me if I cried and didn't constantly remind me of the things I did wrong or not well enough or not fast enough. Horses were my companions and friends.
When I got older I left the farm and headed for the big city. There was no room for horses in my life for about ten years. As my living situation changed and I was again in a place where I could own a horse, I couldn't decide what to do. Never mind that I became depressed and thought a lot about the days on horseback as a kid and what an uplifting feeling that always gave me. I kept thinking about the daughter I was putting through college and the husband who would never ride a horse even if you paid him money and on and on and on. I just couldn't "get selfish."
Several years passed, and I finally decided to get my feet wet and lease a horse which led to owning a horse and having many, many wonderful days in the woods with my horse and my camera. Why did I clutter my mind with all those negative thoughts before I decided to do what I knew was best for me? I couldn't get selfish. Sometimes I think we're taught so effectively not to be selfish when we're young, that we lose sight of the fact that being selfish is the first step in putting self-esteem back in our lives.
I have a friend who can't decide what is best for her life. She has been married to the same man for 13 years, and is terribly unhappy. He is an extremely compulsive person who drinks too much and views everything through the eyes of someone who doesn't feel he ever quite makes the mark. To compensate for his feelings of inadequacy, he demeans and criticizes everything she does. Several months ago she told me she would like to have a telephone answering machine, but was afraid to buy one because no matter which one she picked, it wouldn't be the right one according to her husband. How crazy! To me it was a prime example of what years of verbal abuse can do to the way one thinks about decision-making. She doesn't have the ability to get selfish.
She finally decided to leave him, but only after she became involved with another man. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to predict that the other man would be a 43 year old unemployed house painter with a drug and alcohol problem who has been married and divorced three times. Why do women have to be so self-defeating? Now even if she manages to divorce her abusive husband, she's already involved with a person who abuses drugs, alcohol and probably her after awhile.
Wouldn't it be better if women could learn to get selfish and simply say, "I'm leaving you because I'm unhappy," and not need another man? Wouldn't it be great if women could decide to provide their own happiness and not depend on another person to provide it for them? What if that other person decides he doesn't need to do that anymore? Right back to square one. Unhappy and in a dissatisfying relationship . . . still looking for someone to give them what they need when they need it instead of giving to themselves, getting selfish.
I believe very strongly that if one can develop a sense of peace of mind along with a conviction that says, "I'm alright by myself," one can find contentment. Say to yourself, "If someone can enhance my life, terrific! But if no one enhances my life, I'm still alright by myself." Get selfish.
Secondly, I believe that like attracts like. So it stands to reason that if you're unhappy and searching for another person to provide your self-esteem, you are almost certain to attract someone who's unhappy and searching for another person to provide his self-esteem. On the other hand, if you're happy and content in your own right (selfish), you will attract a person who is happy and content in his own right (selfish). That's the person who can enhance your life, and you can enhance his.
Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if people could simply learn to get selfish? If you don't want to live in poverty, then get selfish about an education. Never mind what your friends want you to do during and after school. If you don't want to be unhappy in a relationship, then get selfish and get out of it. If you don't like working and living where you work and live, then get selfish, pursue a new job in a different area. Be determined. No one can make you feel happy, sad, confused, mad, downhearted or ashamed unless you give them permission. Remember, "Selfish is calm, a force of nature: you might say the trees are selfish."
© 1996, Cindy Staudenmaier
